“how can you feel lonely when there’re 7 billion people around you?” - Eniafe.

It’s been a really long while I published here. Maybe it’s been a long while I allowed myself write without constraints. It’s all been writing code, following rules, ensuring I’m doing the “right thing”.

There’s this ideology of life, to play it safe. Well, it’s ideal when you think about the risks. It’s even worthy when you consider your actions bear effect on others. People you really want to protect. I can’t fail, mother is waiting by the river.

I’ve always seen myself differently however. I don’t connect myself deeply with others. I owe my mother. I owe my friends, I owe…
It’s not really about the emotions but the weight. However, it doesn’t appear as the reason I do things.

So then what is it? The question that bugs me day and night. The question I try hardest to avoid. What is it? Reaching into it seems like a vague cause and it’s shadowed beyond my reasoning. It’s like a blanketed answer from my brain. Funny we think we own our own minds.

I’ve created reasons though. I’ll be the greatest in the world, build cool stuffs. Yeah, I can build them, do I want to? What are they? Maybe I’ll get so rich and help kids and people. Maybe I’ll push humanity to the next frontier. Maybe I’ll save mars and create a new colony. Maybe, maybe… I can’t seem to hold onto them.

Or the pressure? I’ve allowed myself feel this year and I honestly don’t like it. Okay, let’s look outside, see what others are doing. See, people are building already, they’re innovating (or repeating), they’re solving problems (or creating new ones). Let’s do that. Know the problem with that? I’m just fighting another war cause I can.

I’ve done a bunch of things this year, happily really. Been in a relationship, fun, read books I wouldn’t have, developed my spiritual life, started a product, worked on several projects and challenges, interviewed for roles, etc. Essentially, fighting my laid back resistance. When it comes back though, I can count them but I can’t see them. Apologies to the people I’ve hurt in the process though.

Life is about focusing on the things that matter. Be still, calmness will show you the right path. Jesus is the way.
I believe these. Yes I do. However, how do I agree? I want to feel. Genuinely. I want to be driven, truthfully. When it boils back however, I just want to be. I just want to be at peace with myself. I do not like the adrenaline rush. I know I can do greater things without it. I don’t want to play the game, I have mine.

I think the best thing will be to enter the forest. Enter a cave and not deal with human entropy. Get myself WiFi so I can push my contributions to the world. However, just be with myself. This is probably why I’m always lonely, even when people are around. Am I broken?

What I like about myself is that I know I’m not broken. Maybe I try too much actually. Maybe I’m playing it too safe. Maybe I’m just trying to be everywhere but nowhere. Since leaving myself to pacify everyone is nowhere.

I’m done with this. That’s what I say honestly. Not that I’m not putting effort anymore. However, I’ll do my job, perform my duty. I’ll spend more time with myself, journal and just try to love myself. I’ll allow the little me his place.
Then, I’ll change the world!

Maybe I’ll dance in the rain again and not look over my shoulder.

Maybe not maybe.